Reframing what’s “right”
Did I say the "right" words? Did I do the "right" thing? Am I making the “right” decision? Is this "right"?
The woman who knows this internal struggle, this doubt, doesn’t want to be “wrong" for a reason.
Somewhere in her childhood, she learned it wasn't safe to make a mistake, and sometimes that meant being who she naturally is. She sensed or experienced negative consequences in her environment - home, school, society - that led to a perceived or real disconnection from love. And so the "rules" around her became important. When the rules are clear and she follows the rules, she knows how to be, how to look, how to speak, act and behave so she can avoid the pain of being disconnected from others who meet her needs for safety.
Children don't have any choice but to adapt to survive. Their life literally depends on it.
But as we become adults, the search for "rightness" in everything we do leads to crazy-making. The underlying anxiety causes us to lose sleep and direct our energy outside of ourselves. We exhaust our spirit in the process. If we pay close attention to the signals in our body, we begin to notice this strategy is not working for us any longer.
Our soul (and nervous system) is literally aching to be free from the swirl inside. We’ve had enough. We can only handle so many sleepless nights worrying about what we’ve done, said, or decided. Other people in our life can only give opinions, they can’t live our life for us.
Here’s the thing…getting to the other side is a journey toward self-trust.
Because there isn’t a “right” choice, a “right” decision, a “right” way to be in this world.
There is only you. The unique and magnificent being that you are. The part of you that knows love, that knows compassion, that knows she deserves to be expressed, seen, and witnessed in her humanness. In this part of you, shame cannot co-exist. ❤️
And yet, it can be hard to access this part of us when we’ve had layers upon layers of years beating ourselves up with anxiety, fear, and judgment and trying to fit into a box of who we think we need to be based on other people’s “rules.” Looking back at my life, I can’t believe how many years I’ve wasted giving away my precious energy toward looking outside of myself for the answer, the “rules,” and protecting a limiting belief about love and connection in the name of safety. It held me back from knowing what I desired, knowing my intuition as a guiding force, and building a meaningful life.
When I coach women, I welcome all parts of who they are, to call forward the love and compassion already sitting inside of them as medicine. Because trusting yourself is about becoming more secure in your being. And security is elusive when we feel like we stand to lose by referencing ourselves, by breaking the rules we’ve been loyal to, and by feeling separate from rather than connected to our innate love and compassion.
Here’s a quick tip for my sisters feeling the pain of questioning rightness
Instead of asking, is this “right”, ask yourself, is this useful?
Our language is so important to pay attention to. With “usefulness”, we ask ourselves a different kind of question. What decision will be most useful? What can I say that will be most useful at this moment?
Read those last two sentences again and notice how your body responds. If you’re like me, likely you might have sensed less constriction. Likely a less charged sensation than how it feels when you question if you did it “right” or “wrong". 😉
Try it out and let me know how it goes in the comments below. 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼
Ready for more?
If you’re ready to begin the journey of building more security in your being, dislodge right and wrong thinking and build a life with more ease, peace, and freedom, schedule a Discovery Call with me.
My 1:1 coaching clients receive 3-months of VIP personalized attention and access to my knowledge, wisdom, and expertise. We go deep together to unearth your truth so you can live an authentic and brave life.
A-ho! 🙏🏼