do you love yourself?
during a recent weekend retreat, i spent time talking with another gal one evening to share our thoughts on the day. during our conversation, she asked me point blank, "do you love yourself?"
i hesitated for a brief moment.
"you know what," i said, "i am on the journey. i just started learning how to love to myself last year." maybe it was the moment i was in or the activities of the day that had me think twice about the answer to that question. but i didn't respond with a clear yes and it made me wonder if my love for myself is conditional.
if i asked you the same question, how would you respond? i'm guessing you'd say yes, perhaps without hesitating as i did. after all, we can all say we have positive practices in our lives that many consider to be acts of self-love... exercise, yoga, meditation or other quiet time, eating veggies, chia seed and avocado (and all the other stuff that's supposed to be good for you) and perhaps other self-care practices. but are these the only times we can love who we are, when we do "healthy" things for ourselves? and how "positive" are these things when our unconscious, sometimes negative, thought patterns are at play in the background?
contemplate this scenario (if you don't practice yoga, use your imagination!): you go to a yoga class, roll out your mat and have a seat. while you're waiting, you look around the room and start to observe the people around you, sizing people up. she looks like she has a good practice... the guy next to me looks like a beginner... the gal next to me is annoying... during class, you discover your balance is off and you keep falling over in tree pose, damn what the fuck is wrong with me today? the teacher calls eka pada koundinyasana, and since this is the latest pose you've learned how to do, you're eager to prove to that beginner guy next to you that you rock. you leave class feeling good/accomplished/proud, but realize you left your wallet in another bag at home so can't pick up dinner, how could i be so stupid?
and i know this scenario well, because i've been there before.
it's not enough to love ourselves by doing things that are good for us when our thoughts have a lot of power. we need to begin paying attention at the subtlest of levels to how we undermine our ability to love ourselves through negative self-talk and any resulting behavior misaligned with self-love.
calling yourself names - ugly, lame, stupid, etc. -, comparing yourself to others, competing with others, are examples of how we subtly devalue what makes us special and unique. they're examples of operating from place of perceived lack: lack of self-acceptance, self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem. since actions follow thoughts (and emotions), what you do, or don't do, next impacts the direction of your life.
so when i was asked if i loved myself, what i really should've said was, "yes, i'm on a journey but am a work-in-progress." i've recently been reminded that complete acceptance of my thoughts, my patterns, and my shadow isn't a simple one-and-done experience. it's an ongoing effort, a courageous conscious choice every time to stay awake and aware and hold myself accountable for the ways i'm not showing myself some love.
here are three ideas to experiment with to become more conscious of and to work with your thoughts and patterns:
- write them down. track your thoughts in a notebook. if you want to take it up a notch, include any emotions that might be associated with those thoughts, and the resulting actions, behavior and outcomes. you can start small by noticing any thoughts that might arise during yoga class (or any other activity.) expand on that by doing this for one full day from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep to explore this deeper. what did you notice? what patterns emerged?
- practice forgiveness. now that you've (likely) noticed a pattern, you have a choice to change it (or not.) if you choose to make some changes, one way to start is to practice forgiveness (compassionately so). ho'oponopono is an ancient hawaiian healing practice of forgiveness based on the concept that everything we experience in life is caused by our own minds and perceptions. this give us the power to heal ourselves. it's four simple steps, try it. a forgiveness practice can shift the energy you allow the impact of these thoughts to have over your life.
- self-inquiry. instead of being harsh with yourself in a frustrating situation, use the opportunity in the moment to reframe and inquire. using the example above of unsteady balance in yoga class, rather than what's wrong with me, questions such as, "how can i find more grace as i attempt this pose today?" or "what one thing can i do to make a difference right now?" invite curiosity and creativity in working with what is true for you now and not some ideal you might hold yourself up to on an ongoing basis. even expressing gratitude for having the courage and ability to try something, even if it doesn't work out, is reframing the situation.
loving yourself is not just about the practices we engage in to bring more wellness to our lives, but also about being courageous enough to uncover the ways we sabotage our own efforts. what we learn along the way empowers us to change our relationship with ourselves, with others and our orientation to the world around us. we can find more inner peace.
now it's your turn to share: what is the biggest challenge you encounter on your self-love journey? would love to hear from you. comment below!