debrief: the what summit 2018
i presented at The What Summit 2018 a week ago and the experience is still with me. i met so many amazing, courageous women! this was not an ordinary summit but one centered on women coming together to build community, and support and uplift each other. to be a contributor to an experience so special and unique was a gift from the universe, but to share my wisdom and healing journey to divorcing women in a breakout session was a true honor.
in the weeks leading up to the summit, i contemplated the right approach for weaving in my story. i didn’t want to focus on the details for practical reasons as well as to not throw my ex under the bus. it was important to align with my values that have been with me all along throughout my process - to approach the situation through love and not anger - which is how i landed on the theme of healing without answers.
when we aren’t given a clear reason why someone chooses to end a marriage and we’re faced with more questions than answers, it’s a painful place to be. i knew i couldn’t demand answers, and believe me, i tried at one point. so my only choice was to go on my own journey to find answers from within and seek my own truth. this had the effect of shifting my perspective from victim to one of empowerment. i deepened my ability to trust my own wisdom and care for my emotional wounds in between therapy sessions. i found inner strength, a belief in the universe, and self-love.
the choices i made for my healing journey were not always easy in action. they often tested my ability to keep the faith that answers would be revealed in time so required extreme patience often when i lacked it or was feeling overly emotional. and, they may not be right for others. each person’s background, circumstances and capacity for coping with change, stress and emotions are unique and sacred. at the what summit, i shared some of the coping strategies in my coaching toolkit, ones that i used on my own journey, in hopes that they offer other women ideas to feel more empowered on theirs. here is a sampling:
meditation was (and still is) key at allowing me to be present with whatever emotions show up, a paradigm shift when we consider how much time is spent actively trying to shape our experience of life. it honors where we are at and can also offer space from the swirl and depth of intense thoughts and emotions that are normal in the healing process. the biggest surprise in meditation in moments of difficulty was showing myself over and over how i was able to care for my state of mind and accept difficult emotions.
forgiving yourself for your part in the marriage. marriage (and any relationship) is two people coming together with baggage. during my second divorce, i spent a lot of time reflecting on both my first and second marriage and learned so much about my own baggage and relationship patterns. we have to remember that habits and patterns are mostly unconscious, so unwinding them takes a willingness and courage to dive in deep and possibly face things in yourself you may not like. forgiving yourself for your actions or behavior leads to more inner peace as you move through the process.
the destruction of the life we’ve known inevitably means a new one is simultaneously in the process of being created. as you are ready, take baby steps to move forward. one way i intuitively did this was by adopting a hashtag for myself, which became a filter for making decisions: #sayyes. when an opportunity for a new experience presented itself, i said yes! saying yes helped me to reconnect with who i am today, my interests and discover who i’m becoming through my experiences.
i also offered the audience these parting thoughts:
some questions we are not meant to have answers to right away - or at all. a divorce lawyer I consulted with early on said to me, “if you don’t know the reason why yet, be patient. the truth will come out, it always does.” and in my case, he was right, the truth was revealed.
sometimes letting go of the question is the best way we can help ourselves move forward. the more we let the universe do its thing, the more we marinate on things to be able to respond vs. react, the more we learn how important the question we are struggling with is.
overall, the best part about sharing my story and tips was being able to inspire other women on their journey, and to facilitate the development of community in the room as part of the agenda. many were moved to tears by the experience and came up to me afterwards to let me know how inspired they were. am so grateful and deeply honored!