so this is loneliness

it’s been 10 months since my divorce was final and i’m still adjusting to a new life in many ways. on the spectrum of possibilities, i’ve been living more on the quieter side of life lately. seems like less people are available to easily do things with - many are leading a busy life or live far enough away that it takes a lot of effort to meet up. moving into the winter season, this gap will inevitably become more noticeable. it’s a time of hibernation and reflection, at least for me. i often consciously choose more solitude during this time, being quiet and contemplating what lies ahead.

despite my extroverted tendencies (as many who know me well know i have), i’m an introvert at heart. both are truths. as much as i treasure connecting with others and feeling a sense of belonging and community, i also gravitate towards alone time and since the separation and divorce i’ve been spending a lot of time alone. in the best moments, solo time offers space to process the swirl in my head, to absorb a good book, to practice self-care and do what i want in each moment. in its worst, i’ve met loneliness.

loneliness feels brutal and dark. it lives in and makes friends with the shadows, collaborating to whisper in your ear stories of your worst fears: nobody cares about you, you will never be loved again or held tenderly again, you will never find someone who gets you, you will always be alone, you can’t make friends at this age, you’re too old/ugly/not good enough/fillintheblank to get what you want. tricky little demons, criticizing me, turning my attention outside myself for fulfillment because it’s easier to be attached to and long for a familiar way out. being on a path of self-love asks us to be hyper vigilant about how our thoughts impact emotions which impact behavior that lead to outcomes…difficult to remember in these moments. and yet it’s still another noticeable change from what i’ve been used to, the way this all feels.

i’ve come out of a long relationship, my sense of security has been blown apart and questioned, asking me to find the courage to source it from within, rather than outside of me. am grateful for that paradigm shift in many ways, but it isn’t the easy choice. certainly the space between what was true and what’s emerging as truth has legs now, but it still feels wobbly sometimes. one minute i’m guided by #sayyes - doing brave things to learn about myself, doing my best to make new friends or date, carving a new path - and the other, i’m doubtful of my abilities, the people in my life and where i’m headed. the polarity is ironic, and i know the journey to resolution and peace is one only i can walk.

and so i find myself doing one of two things in these moments. sitting, eyes closed. listening to the beat of my heart and following the breath, the life force, prana, the one constant companion in this life. or immersing myself in nature, seeking solace in the whole of all that is. these two strategies did not come from a book, they emerged from intuition and experience sensing where it feels most like home. for me, this is in the breath and in the greater oneness of life. we have it within us to find ways to befriend ourselves during difficult transitions. it doesn’t make loneliness any less real, but we can teach ourselves how to come back to center, to find balance and start over once again.