on defining happiness
the subject of happiness - and knowing if we are or aren't - came up in a recent conversation with a dear friend also going through a separation process. the next day, i had a flashback to an exchange my ex and i had about a year ago: you can't be happy, he said. it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. i paused, then said a quick yes, then paused again. reflecting on this exchange now makes me feel sick to my stomach. was i really happy? my hesitation on both ends of my response should've been my first clue. the lack of confidence in the way i said yes, another (my intuition speaking - and me ignoring). and actually, that he had raised this at all should have been the biggest red flag about what was going on for him.
just as i move in my yoga practice from my center, i try to live my life that way as well - from a place of grounding and truth. that i had signs, both within me and in front of me, and i chose to ignore them is an ugly realization. was i really happy at that time? i did not inquire. instead, i was comfortable with the status quo and willing to accept it by default as happiness. but actually, i was afraid to explore the truth because i wasn't sure if i would like what i found.
if someone asks you if you are happy and you say yes, how do you know? can you honestly define what makes you happy? it's a big question and one not always easily answered. happiness does not have a universal definition. what happiness to me, is most likely something different to you. our definitions evolve over time with experience and maturity.
but hindsight being 20/20, i see now why i hesitated to respond. my definition involved the presence of someone else to fill gaps in my life that i didn't have the courage to fill myself. i gave up my power by not defining happiness for myself and allowing it to be defined externally - by circumstances, by people. it's prevented me from living my life with intention and purpose. another big ugly pill to swallow.
but the good news about transition, reflection and insight is we get to make new choices moving forward. i took a first step towards taking control of the direction of my life almost immediately. i applied for a 12-week business coaching intensive, and was accepted into the program. scary stuff but #sayyes to a purposeful 2018.