the superpower of a badass

last weekend, i received the most awesome compliment from a stranger (a woman): i can tell you're a badass. sweet! who doesn't want to be called a badass by another woman? it made me smile. it made me feel confident. and frankly, being referred to as a badass after experiencing a year of grief, sadness, confusion, shock, loss, hate, and anger feels like a triumphant journey that isn't over yet. as things were just beginning to come undone in my life this past february, i remember a moment so clear, it was as if an angel had tapped me on the head and said do this. a clarity and knowing from within that i had to approach the suddenly bizarre behavior of my ex with love. i remember this being a conscious choice and understanding it could never be anger that i came at him with.

after he left, i was made aware of some things that helped to move me out of shock, and eventually led to (more) confusion, as well as anger and hate. it almost destroyed me. with each bit of information i received in the months that followed, i was tempted to dial his number and scream asshole! but i did not. i told myself to wait. i was committed to keeping emotion out of our negotiations and once they were signed in ink, i would let him have it. i would make that call and reveal EVERYTHING. until then, i quietly honored my decision to treat it all with some love.

the months that followed were focused on my own healing and taking steps forward. i reflected. i inquired. i sobbed. i meditated. all the while, i held faith in the universe. i #surrendered and #saidyes. i was vulnerable but strong. i pushed through some fear and immersed myself in teaching yoga and worked towards completing an integrative wellness and life coaching certification program. i learned the truth of what i am made of.

and now our documents are about to be signed and i can't find the piece of me that wants to make that phone call.

is this what it means to be a badass?

today, i offered to help connect him into the company i work at.

is this what it means to be angry?

i'm beginning to believe my superpower as a badass is turning hate into compassion. this journey is far from over.