being me

the decision: to change my last name or not

a lot has transpired since my previous post in may. keeping the wheels on the bus when you're coming out of shock and dealing with confusion, anger, sadness, and a bit of depression, is no easy task. i've enjoyed writing about my emotional journey with bite-size insights on my instagram. check it out. a few weeks ago, the lawyer asked if i had planned to change my name. frankly, in the midst of the emotional rollercoaster i was on, i hadn't given it any thought but clearly it was time. it might have been a simple choice for some, but for me the decision has had spiritual gravity.

i was born with the last name of legaspi. the surname has spanish origins, from a basque spanish conquistador, miguel lopez de legazpi (note: spelled with a z vs. s), who officially annexed the philippine islands to the spanish empire in 1565. talent and prominence run in the family on my dad's side. but growing up as a legaspi, i did not feel connected to an innate drive to express and create my personal best. as a legaspi, i struggled with my shit and approached life timidly, more interested in being a passenger than a driver. adding insult to injury, i constantly had to spell my name for others which irritated me to no end! i took it personally - what was wrong with me that makes my last name so difficult? i wanted nothing more than to change it and i had that chance through marriage.

as jen fortunato, i visualized my life filled with "more" - more fulfilled, more fun, more daring, more being me, more of anything i wanted it to be. my ex (at the time) helped me feel secure, curious and courageous - the opposite of how i felt as a legaspi. i began to crawl out from under and explore. i want to go to grad school. i want to complete yoga teacher training. those decisions helped me learn who i am. no stone was left unturned. they revealed my darkness and my light. slowly these experiences led me down a path of awakening.

from this perspective, jen fortunato knows who she is. jen fortunato did big things. jen fortunato has more plans. giving this name up has felt like forfeiting my identity. and now i'm faced with the decision to not be known as the person that i've come to love and admire. it's not fair.

i searched for reasons to justify a decision one way or the other. i associated my married name with courage and my maiden name with insecurity and being 'asleep'. but i was concerned about having energetic ties to my ex for years to come. assuming my maiden name felt like going backwards but down the line, i was afraid of regretting being known as fortunato way into the future. i knew i had the power to reclaim fortunato as mine but i could also do the same with legaspi. each time i felt like i arrived at a good decision point, i found a way to see another as an equally valid option.

at dinner with my mom last night, the forest that i had been seeking through the trees began to peek out. out of nowhere, no aforethought, the 'legaspi as going backwards' reason was reframed in my mind as 'i could make jen legaspi whole'. as soon as i said it out loud, i got choked up. that's when i knew.

i have been approaching this all along with more of an outside-in focus instead of an inside-out one. becoming jen fortunato was a fix for the perceived limitations and shortcomings of jen legaspi. jen legaspi represented the little train that couldn't, and as jen fortunato, i proved to myself to be a strong, secure, curious and courageous woman. i had discovered my light. this was the gift from my marriage, the goodness and learnings meant to be preserved. with that perspective, i had to release the attachment to the name. the choice is inconsequential because i am that person regardless. in the spiritual readings i've received, i hear i am a teacher. it's time to teach myself to embrace, love and admire jen legaspi. this is about reacquainting with my crap through love to bring me back to wholeness, and stepping back into this identity to heal it and do more big things. i am both legaspi and fortunato. darkness and light. yin and yang.