status: calm

i have been holding up strong, looking ahead, willing to embrace change on the horizon, and "handling it like a champ". i'm aware this situation has shocked me. i'm expecting to feel a certain way right now, perhaps reduced to rubble by waves of emotion. but with each day that passes, i'm not. with time on my hands tonight, i puttered around the house, cleaning up remnants of what he left behind tonight. the jigsaw puzzle, unfinished, now thankfully boxed away. looking through drawers, noticing his presence in every dust crumb. leftover birthday and christmas cards from last year, all marking a sentiment that was, and is no more.

in the cracks of cement, weeds have grown and it's from this place that emotion comes out from hiding. i've had moments of fear and panic. yet the shock continues, with each new nugget of understanding - having no choice but to piece it together on my own.

during this time, my intuition has been speaking up: somewhere, i must've known all along...this is all for the best, the universe has a greater plan...life will be sweeter yet. years of yoga are at play now, a wisdom emerging that comes from a willingness to trust the process.

though i'm feeling guided by something grander, i can't help but feel like i'm waiting for more... more anger, more sadness. but i'm noticing in this found place of center and calm, emotions are coming and going instead of sticking around.