shoveling shit vs. raking leaves

after grad school, my darkness was everywhere and navigating it has been like driving with zero visibility in heavy fog.  i've stood on my mat with darkness sitting on my shoulders and a raw monkey mind that simply won't stop.  imagine doing a chaturanga with that heaviness on your back.  each transition has been like moving mountains made of the soundtrack of my life: doubt, fear, anger, confusion.  every breath, forceful, as if driven by the will to cleanse my mind of toxic thought.  yogis will recognize this as shoveling shit. that edge of darkness hasn't been so edgy lately.  i've stood on my mat with the conscious intention of cultivating compassion.   with each movement, my monkey mind goes and i've been able to refocus it, even for a moment.  this is not because i'm focusing on the breath, it's because of attention to my center.  i've been experimenting with elements of mantra meditation integrated into my practice by imagining my exhales as energy flowing into my solar plexus vs. breath being exhaled forcefully as a physical exercise to overpower my mind.  i'm experiencing more softness and fluidity....still doing the work but with a lighter load.  like raking leaves.

today's experiment: a conscious decision to practice with my eyes closed while imagining my exhales as energy moving to my center.  i learned closing my eyes intensified the focus on my center and reduced the ability of my monkey mind to dance.  by savasana, i felt deeply connected to my center as if i had direct access to it.  when class ended, i opened my eyes and sat for a moment, noticing the sensation of feeling anchored to something other than my mind.  the simple act of walking home felt different as well, as if each step originated from my center.  i was connected to the ground and to my body, a totally different experience than being in my head while i go about my day.

now i see how the mind creates separateness.