ridiculous me
after two years of talking about taking a yoga class together, my friend and i finally got our act together and did it. we found a studio located half way between our homes and signed up for a level 2/3 hot vinyasa class. having practiced for 13 years, the class level seemed appropriate for me and knowing the frequency of my friend's practice, i knew she'd be fine.
the morning of class, i wasn't feeling on my a-game. why? i was with friends the night before drinking wine, went to bed late and took an OTC sleeping pill to keep me asleep, which didn't work as well as i had hoped. how yogic of me. bleary eyed and out of it, i managed to make it to class early and pump myself up knowing how much better i will feel after the toxins cycle out of my system.
we set our mats down side by side and watched other yogis enter the space. thankfully the classroom wasn't packed and we didn't have to worry about people stepping or sweating on our mats (so gross).
the flow began with surya namaskara, as anticipated. as we transitioned from a's to b's and the (external and internal) heat began to build, the teacher switched it up, threw in some boat pose crunches in the middle of the transitions and left us to do more on our own. i knew then this class was going to challenge me in my sad state.
the sequencing continued to surprise, with warrior 3 dominating, funky transitions from crescent lunge to vasisthasana while gripping your toe, back to crescent to warrior 3 to ardha chandrasana, to warrior 3, and on and on. poses were held for seconds, sweat was pouring down my face. it appeared my friend was having an effortless practice. i was struggling to keep up and didn't want her to see. every transition seemed to become more difficult to execute, but no, there'd be no child's pose for me. i was determined to keep going.
as i moved into parsvottanasana, the intensity of my ego-driven practice softened enough for me to notice what was really going on. i was competing with my friend and by doing so, failing to practice ahimsa, non-violence. omg i am so ridiculous, i thought and laughed at myself while trying desperately not to fall over in the pose. my energy started to shift. i became more aware of my breathing and how my body wanted to move. the practice had been feeling in my body as if i was impatiently pushing a mountain, but the dynamic changed. i pulled the practice towards me as much (or as little) as i wanted. though i continued flowing, i moved in and out of the postures with less brutal physical and mental force and more compassion. the pressure inside dissipated. it wasn't long before the ground held me up in savasana.
one could argue i was not my best self in this practice, but any experience which offers me a glimpse of my potential is worth gold. this was a teaching moment about the power of being present, respecting my body and demonstrating humility. i find it curious that, after all this recent yogic reflection, i couldn't have started out in that space but perhaps it was normal given my state and that i am literally inching along the continuum of autopilot - mindfulness. perhaps i will always vacillate between the two extremes, but hopefully i will find grace along the way.