strength: courage

i had a chance to catch up with my aunt yesterday over lunch.  it had been months since our last meaningful conversation...grad school had been all consuming.  i shared my experiences related to the leadership class, my a-ha moments and disappointments.  for the most part, it was a thematic discussion about personal readiness and vulnerability related to the deepest, darkest sides of myself.

i left school, i said to her, with my guts spilled out everywhere and not any closer to seeing my strengths...my light.

in short, grad school ended in devastation for me.  i felt raw, exposed and humiliated... it was heartbreaking to have accomplished so much and yet be sitting in a swirl of darkness.  not only were my "secrets" shared with others (classmates...not family, who i trust will love me no matter how much of an idiot i am), but my deepest fears were out on the table for me to contend with.  had i known how bad i would feel in the end about sharing this information, i would have edited my truths down to the critical few instead of vomiting them all up.

these past few months, this blog, my yoga practice, my life has been gently shaped by a need to retreat, reflect and renew.  as i've been slowly tucking the darkness of my guts back in, i've been examining every piece of it, hoping in the pile of yuck a clue will emerge.  and in yesterday's painful conversation, i found one.

i've been reading a book about dharma, the work you are called forth to do in your life.  a passage:

when difficulties arise, see them as dharma...give yourself to them. go into the heart of the difficulty.  experience it.  investigate it.  take yourself into the center of the conflict.  learn to tolerate its discomfort without acting or reacting.

early on in the leadership class, i recall writing about my perceived lack of courage.  but in conversation with my aunt, it became apparent a tremendous amount of courage was involved in taking this painful journey in the first place.  despite my struggles with it on the back end, i was willing to accept the invitation to be vulnerable and face my difficulties in exchange for the opportunity to know who i am.  this quality makes me authentically and uniquely me, warts and all.  and it is not easy to be in this space.  not many people would choose it and i understand why.

right now, this is my dharma:  being willing to dig down far enough to see my truth.  painfully peeling back the layers, wading around in the muck, seeking new insights and learning as i go.  all of this is possible because of courage and i can see now, this is part of my light.