seeking beauty
practice your beauty, she said as we flowed to uttanasana.
the words lingered in my head as i bowed forward, arms in prayer. the act of moving into uttanasana recalls a sense of honor, for myself and (presumably) the divine within. i wondered what it meant, to know my beauty and practice it. my attention began to drift as i flowed into chaturanga dandasana.
am i practicing my beauty? would i know it if i am? what is my beauty anyway? have i found it? what does it feel like? i'm on this journey already, aren't i? i'm trying to find it.
i stopped the mind madness for a moment to experiment with acting "as if" instead. i gave myself permission to not have the answer. i remained focused as i flowed, pretending my beauty, but in the end felt disconnected from it.
later, i stumbled upon this excerpt in an article by bob lingvall:
...Life is not about becoming a more loving person, but coming to know and express the love you already are. It is not a matter of becoming a more compassionate person, but living a life reflective of the fact you are compassion. Happiness doesn't just reside within you; it is you...
it occurred to me that, similar to other recent insights, it's time for a shift in perspective.
this light i'm seeking, my beauty, feels like something outside of myself, something out of reach. it is true of my nature to trust only what i can see, hear, touch, taste, feel. without proof of beauty within, i seek its existence externally. owning beautiful inanimate objects - clothes, handbags, shoes, for example - supports the (false) belief they will make me more beautiful. identifying beauty in others supports the (false) belief they have qualities that i lack.
maybe it's time to call off the fruitless, external search. if beauty is found in all beings, i am not separate from beauty. imagine this: me, getting out of my own way, so that i can simply BE my unique brand of beauty, even if i can't put my finger on it... interesting.
perhaps i should sit with the question: can freedom be found in proof of beauty or in having faith that beauty is already present?