weeble wobble

imagine a hard exterior with something soft inside.  like a crab, or an egg.  now imagine that egg has legs made of jello and every step it takes feels wobbly.  this is me right now. it's as if i've been put in a microwave and every cell within me is being deconstructed with the intent of reconstruction...but that hasn't happened yet.  i'm getting through life right now, fulfilling my daily duties but not connected to them because inside i'm crumbling.  i'm feeling wobbly right now...and confused.  like a weeble wobble hoping i don't fall down.  my tears confirm this sucks.

but logically, i know that this is a meaningful space to be in.  the abyss between what was and what is about to be raises emotions and choices about how to feel.  more than just being scared and/or excited, i am sensing everything inside being rearranged and none of it feels like it was on purpose...or is it?

the truth is, i opened my kimono a long time ago.  i vividly recall specific personal growth experiences that started years ago and grabbed me by my ovaries.  a reading of my birth chart in 2009, participation in a phoenix rising workshop in 2010, a mini spiritual meltdown leading to participation in an 8-day silent retreat later that year, enrolling in and completing business school and the leadership class that bared all.  i've been on this spiritual quest for a while now, peeling back the layers one by one in search of self, and yet for some reason i'm surprised i'm in this space.

my yoga practice is serving me right now in a way i haven't expected.  i am fully committed to being present on my mat, hoping new insights will emerge as i connect inside.  when i am in the flow of practice, my voice is telling me to be in this space of confusion, to let it simmer like a good pasta sauce.  when the flow ain't flowing, i'm feeling curious instead of frustrated, consciously trying to cultivate more compassion and patience for myself.

something important is happening.  the experience on my mat is telling me so.