the ugly

my husband posted a quote on facebook recently, the beginning of it is this:  nothing in nature lives for itself.  if all life is interdependent, it doesn't take much to find teachers around us.  all we need to do is be open to the possibility. i work along side a woman who i don't know much about.  as a career consultant, she holds office hours once a week, takes care of her clients, and generally leaves.  this is the context in which i've come to know her over the last year.  i can't recall how or why, but i began to tell her about the dharma book i've been reading.  a spiritual career book?  she wanted to know more.  spirituality... this is my life, she said.  i had no idea.

she had a 20 minute window in her schedule so invited me to her office to talk.  i opened up to her about the last six months, the insights from the leadership class, my overarching burdens and aches.  i shared the story about my recent c-word experience in yoga, my quest for light and my negative, painful and polarizing relationship with my dark side.

but you NEED the dark to find the light.  that's how you get there, this is the path, she said.

in just a handful of words from a new teacher, i'm beginning to wonder if my experience of this journey could be different if i change my orientation to my dark side.  i judge myself for not feeling good enough, i judge myself for being too critical of others, i beat myself up for not knowing my worth and value-add.  all of this feels SO DAMN UGLY, it's shameful.  it makes me want to run from myself and hide.  i want to sweep the ugliness under the carpet and pretend it isn't mine.  why does THIS have to be my burden?  why couldn't my central issue be to stop indulging in all of life's pleasures?  (at least that issue would imply i've been having fun along the way.)

to "need the dark" requires accepting it, all its ugliness and shame.  but can i?

maybe accepting the side of myself that is not pretty and not perfect is at the core of finding my light.  maybe it's the crux of a paradigm shift, moving away from perceptions of right and wrong,  and embracing all that is.