the c-word
my yoga practice and i recently shared a moment together. it was a clear teaching moment that doesn't show up very often in my practice, but is filled with truth. if you've been reading my blog, you're probably aware that i've been trying to work through a personal situation. this specific situation has been raising feelings of inferiority or simply, not being good enough. it's an old, familiar pattern and even though i know where it comes from, i can't seem to shake it in this context. it brings out my worst mental state, the ugly side of myself, the side i wish didn't exist. i close down to a point that i can't see out. my dark > my light. (i realize i've written about duality and the need for acceptance of all parts of who we are as humans but frankly, i'm not there yet.)
sunday morning, the external conditions for an A yoga practice were present. i was in tune with the vibe of the studio, my spot on the floor, the amount of space between me and the person to my right, the teacher, the music and the sequencing. internally though i was battling my mental state, alternating between focus and slipping into the vortex which frankly is now starting to feel like a state of numbness. a song came on which struck a chord. my attention turned away from the breath and into the vortex. as we moved into tree pose, a swell of emotion began to build up inside, traveling up from deep within. the next thing i know, tears were flowing down my face so hard snot began to form at my nose. (gross, i know.) i persisted in the pose as long as i could and then i stopped to grab a tissue and get a grip. a little bit more in control, i got back into the pose and right away, my mind began to analyze what had just happened. but my mind didn't get very far at all. it's typical, analytical pattern was trumped by a different type of thought.
wow, this (emotion i'm struggling with) is really painful... a painful place to be.
this was immediately followed by an internal softening. physically, i felt the swell of emotion dissipate. spiritually, i felt mushy and warm. spiritually, i gave my heart a hug (yes, i really did).
wait. was that compassion? i think i just felt compassion. that was it, right? it had to be.
after all, this is what pema teaches. transcending the personal experience of the emotion to arrive at a place where one can really feel and appreciate the pain and eventually move into a state of compassion - not just for self but for others.
since i began reading her books, i wondered what my own experience with the c-word would feel like. i wondered if the glimpse i had would change something about me. the power of yoga lies in its ability to teach us whatever it is we are ready to see. though i've been practicing for years, i must be ready to see the compassion that lies within me. this was a teaching moment about the truth in my light, and that the possibility exists to cultivate it and receive it despite my darkness.