an illustration
betrayal conjures up certain images: a lover who cheats with the best friend, a double agent, the movie goodfellas, and even most recently, the indian student who was brutally raped, mutilated and ultimately killed by her bus driver and the other riders. those might be extreme examples, but we all have experienced moments of betrayal - whether real or perceived, whether on a small or grand scale - and know what it feels like: puzzling. yucky. in short, it hurts, no matter the reason or way in which it occurs. without trust, we wouldn't know what betrayal feels like. i read a saying today that captures this: trust: it takes years to build and seconds to break. indeed, trust and betrayal are two sides of the same coin.
i'm puzzled over a situation that unfolded recently, and its impact feels like betrayal. i won't describe the details. the circumstances aren't major, just friends and a curious dose of exclusion. according to wikipedia, practitioners of psychology describe betrayal as the breaking of a social contract and whether this is technically right or wrong, it seems to resonate.
so my head movies these past few days have been nothing short of fun: besides asking why, i began to imagine that perhaps i've done something wrong, that somehow this is my fault and i deserved it because - naturally - they are responding to my darkness which (in my mind) outweighs my lightness. i began going down beat myself up highway. so on top of being puzzled, i've been making myself feel twice as bad. yes, this could easily be a definition of madness. and it's time to stop.
i face choices: ignore, confront, hold... but before any of that, what i really want is to take care of myself, to make myself whole because up to now, beating myself up first has been a priority. it's an unconscious default space and a form of betrayal: i turn my back on myself just when i need me most.
this is why i must work on cultivating compassion...so i can be a friend to myself first.