beauty and the beat
it took me a week to acknowledge i've been depressed. apparently having difficulty getting out of bed and the general feeling of malaise i couldn't shake wasn't a big enough hint. i hear it's normal post-grad school but the recent betrayal added a layer of thickness to it that i didn't expect. however i was looking forward to friday's girl date with a woman i really admire, a long time friend i hadn't seen in a while and desperately missed. lynn is one of the most - if not the most - positive, uplifting women i know. she unselfishly gives everything she has to the people she really cares about. she believes in the spirit of others and one can't help but admire her for what she brings to this world. an innate goodness simply oozes out of her soul.
after catching up on the big changes in her life, we began to talk about mine. i spoke about the recent darkness i was in and all associated details, good, bad, those that left me feeling vulnerable. i told her about the betrayal and the five thousand ways i had dissected the situation, including the self-blame.
don't you dare go there, she said, you are so beautiful...
she began to build me up, breath by breath, word by word, reminding me of my own goodness while tears began to form in her eyes. i don't know what struck me most at that moment, the words she spoke or her pure, wholehearted authenticity. but i was moved. this woman speaks the truth and i need to listen.
i had been experimenting with meditation in savasana this week, breathing in the darkness in my heart, noticing its heaviness, and attempting to exhale it as light. today, it was a small blessing to discover the darkness felt lighter...a small shift. maybe i can start seeing the truth now.