what conflict can teach you
Since I've been in California, relationships have been at the forefront of my mind. In almost all categories—family, romantic, friendships—I’ve experienced a flavor of conflict.
As much as I’d love to say that Mexican life frees me from dealing with relational conflict that simply isn’t true. We’re human, we need other humans in our lives, and whether or not we’re conscious about it, we’re all trying to get our individual needs met.
I used to believe conflict was negative, and that if I was with the “right” or “perfect” romantic partner, in the the “right” or “perfect” relationship, we would not have conflict. Everything between us would be easy. I used to think that my ex-spouse was a match made in heaven because we never fought. But our conflict avoidance and inability to bring real issues to the surface for an honest discussion was a piece of what led to our demise.
I know differently now. A “right” or “perfect” friendship or relationship is not the one without conflict. Conflict is inherent, no matter what the relationship is between two people.
So what can conflict teach us?
Conflict is an opportunity to see yourself reflected back to you.
Your boundaries (or need for them)
Your wounding
Your unmet needs
Your desires
Your somatic response and how you care for it (or not)
Your comfort level with vulnerability
Your ability to be empathetic
What’s important to you that you abandon (self-abandonment) just to have someone in your life
How you live your values (or not)
The outcomes of your beliefs and choices
But when we are triggered or activated in our nervous system in the middle of conflict situations, we can’t receive this insight. It’s biologically impossible.
I have had clients who blamed their partners for how they are or aren’t showing up during conflict. I’ve been guilty of this, too. For example, If they spoke to me in X tone of voice, things would have gone in a different direction. But this is not being responsible and accountable for their own emotional well-being and reactions. Instead, it’s giving their power away to the external (in this example, the partner’s tone of voice), which drums up feelings of powerlessness and resentment and is a victim mindset — not a sovereign one. Because you CAN control your responses.
Certainly, some people are more comfortable with conflict than others. How we show up depends on our wounding, trauma, and life experiences. My partner is a lawyer and has worked in litigation. He’s totally comfortable with conflict. Me? I can easily get overwhelmed by the energy of conflict (i.e.; raised voices) and when I’m in a reactive space, I want to extinguish the flames before they ever begin.
To receive the gifts in conflict and begin transforming how you show up for your relationships, a big dose of self-awareness is needed.
I’ve been working on expanding my tolerance for conflict situations, while challenging an old belief that love is the absence of conflict. I’m leaning in by working with my nervous system in real-time to stay present in the conversation before I get defensive, or enter a freeze state and shut down in the midst of it. Being able to be in a heated discussion without abandoning ship is a big win for me. 🥳 Shutting down is how I learned to stay safe as a child, which is no longer working for me or my relationships.
Here’s how to get started:
Knowing your triggers. What causes you to react? Is it certain words spoken? A tone of voice? Be specific so you can work on healing it.
Awareness of your nervous system state. Awareness comes from tuning into your BODY, not your mind. What sensations are you feeling that communicate you’re in fight mode? What about flight or freeze?
Learn to pause. Taking a break from a heated moment (with a promise to return to the conversation at a set time) is not for phone scrolling. It’s to calm your nervous system down and reengage with an open mind. Tools such as breathwork, journaling, somatic practices work well, as does going for a walk.
Let me know how it goes.