the grief in our choices

with each passing day I feel more sad.

a year and a half ago, I put my stuff in storage and came to live in mexico. at the time, I didn’t know I would be here this long. now I have 2 weeks left in this country and a temporary residency card.

as I stir awake each morning, I take in the bright blue walls and striking wood door for a moment. then I get out of bed and immediately open the curtains to the sliding glass doors and check out the sky. how hot and humid is it right now? I open the sliding glass doors to my porch to check the temperature and record the sounds of the morning.

i’ve been trying to spend time with my friends. and making sure to walk through the main part of town as best I can to take in el sabor of this magical place.

finding the words to describe the impact of living here is a lot to unpack. but the journey starts with how the idea to live elsewhere was born.

after another phase of deep inner work paired with a series of endings in pieces of my life, the idea came to me rather intuitively. listening to my intuition has been a huge shift for me on my healing journey. once it entered my mind that I was coming here, not for vacation but to stay, I never looked back.

frankly, it was the easiest decision i’ve ever made in my life. and it was also one of the most important. as my first sovereign big life decision, i gave myself permission to live my life instead of waiting or asking for it. once I decided, I moved forward without asking for anyone else’s approval, including from my family of origin.

when I think about that version of me, I am so incredibly proud of her it moves me to tears. that version of me liberated herself from the invisible shackles and inner turmoil of her perfectionism, anxiety, and self-doubt. from her trauma, her wounding, and from looking outside for the rules to follow.

instead, I made my own for this moment in my life.

and being here has been the greatest gift I could’ve ever given myself.

i’ve come to appreciate the alternative ways of living that are counter to the societal programming in America. i’ve met so many people who have lived in many countries in their lifetime, eventually finding themselves in Sayulita. I’ve been exposed to the way they think and see the world which has expanded my world view.

i’ve detoxed from American life. from the media’s constant fear and separateness being brow beat into our heads. from the nervous system dysregulation that runs through our cultural veins in the quest for more more more and listening to voices outside of our own for the way we need to be in this world.

i’ve become more connected to the land. the insects, birds, animals. the mountains and hills, the jungle, skies, and ocean. in the summer months here, the afternoon thunder storms are wild and alive. Those moments have shown me I am the thunder, too. We are all thunder.

and i’ve expanded my capacity to feel my bigness. to step into spaces that invite me to be seen. it feels easier to do so because I’ve learned to trust myself with each new situation and have become more open to making mistakes. if you can relate to ‘performance for love’ trauma, ‘good girl’ conditioning, and anxious attachment patterning, I know you understand what a big deal this is — to not experience the depths of internal turmoil and anxiety that goes on behind closed doors.

i’ve experienced openness in community. every time I walk out my front door, I say buenos dias, buenos tardes, or buenos noches, to neighbors and strangers on the street. their response back is always filled with warmth and respect. you will never find locals walking down the street while scrolling on their phone, completely disconnected from the world around them. they are engaged; they are part of the community, part of the land, not separate from.

i’ve made new friends. i’ve travelled all around mexico. i’ve learned some Spanish, enough to order food at a restaurant, shop at a store, and have a basic understanding of what someone is asking me and what is being discussed around me. and i’ve learned what it’s like to find my own rhythm.

what I didn’t know giving myself permission to live my life would do for me is build inner security. i've noticed a return to wholeness and truth.

making sovereign choices and decisions means I am responsible for them, and can trust I will be ok, even if i experience disappointment or make a mistake along the way. because decisions are not life sentences, but choice points.

and i’ve made another choice to go back to California. I don’t know how long that will be, but if it doesn’t work out, I will be ok (after not being ok) and make another choice after that.

despite all the goodness i’ve experienced here, I’ve also been grieving on and off for a couple months now.

as humans, we are programmed from the moment we’re born to attach. we aren’t taught how to let go.

making conscious, intentional choices calls us forward to do that - to graciously let go and grieve — grieve the letting go of what we wanted and received as much as what we hoped for and didn't get.

in every one of our yesses, we are also saying no to something else. it doesn’t do our soul - which naturally wants to expand - any good to hold on and cling when our cup has already been filled with the teachings and lessons in our experience to be integrated. when we say yes to our attachments, we are also saying no to our expansion.

every choice you make as a sovereign woman will involve some level of grief. let your tears hold your fears as much as your love.

🪷