clearing 2017
it began with a simple question: how are you feeling about 2018? i'd been so focused on making it through 2017 that i hadn't really thought much about it. fear and hope came to mind. between christmas, traveling and a 4-day flu, i had taken a week+ break from my yoga practice and the 2018 question raised awareness that i had also missed out on transition time: a time to honor where i've been, clear it, preserve the learnings and create space. so the next day - new year's day - i pulled my tail-end sick self together and went to practice.
a class with edwina is - without fail - a gift. her wisdom is present and available from the moment she begins. i always show up to her classes with an open heart, prepared to receive whatever is meant for me on the mat. this day was no exception.
towards the latter part of class, she led us through a sequence of 12 salutation variations, one for each month of the year. with shaky legs and questionable form that felt just right for my weary body, i breathed and cycled.
emotions are the product of our life experiences and the body remembers emotional states. as i flowed, the feelings of my year month-by-month began to rise to the surface...february: confusion, march: shock, april: shock, may: anger, june: grief, july: sadness, august: relief, september: despair... i weeped and released with each vinyasa, and in a raw sadness, collapsed in child's pose at the end.
reflecting afterwards, i realized this experience was more than just releasing. i recognized a mourning. walking this unchosen, crazy, unpredictable path - engaging head on in the messiness - was my focus and purpose in 2017. being on this path, where ever it led, was the reason to keep moving forward even when i didn't know how i would put one foot in front of the other. i mourned its blind guidance, wisdom and all its disorder. from it the gifts of resilience, strength, self-love emerged.
but now that 2018's here, the path is changing into a path of choice. with my divorce now final - that emotional milestone met - i see nothing but massive white space ahead. so much to fear in the unknown, and yet, much to anticipate within it. i feel more prepared at this point in my life, and yet, i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little nervous and apprehensive. but this life, it's mine to drive, mold, shape - to reclaim. today, the first day of my new life as a single person, i step into it as my own leader and healer, to #create what happens next. (and yep, #create is one of my 2018 hashtags.)