love > fear

panic is beginning to settle in. perhaps it's because the end of the year is here, or seeing months of negotiations in official paperwork for signature, the holidays, or all of the above. the trigger is the same: fear. it wakes me up early in the morning, sudden and swift. i sense this has been silently sitting with me, waiting behind shock, confusion, anger, sadness to reveal itself. this fear is a culmination of my year, all the change, transition and growth - and the sometimes jarring realization that i'm alone. not just in the physical sense, but metaphorically weighted: fending for myself in the world, licking my own wounds, making my own decisions, lifting myself up when i fail, celebrating my own successes, experiencing my life the way i want and taking it in any direction that feels right. that these are examples of self-love in action has not been lost on me.

i recently shared the realization that my happiness has been tied to external circumstances and people. the experience of being loved by others awakens a part of us that feels love for ourselves and makes us happy. but the experience of tapping into our own love - and giving it back to ourselves - is healing and empowering.

in my meditation practice this year, fear (and other overwhelming emotions) have been present. rather than suppress the energy of these emotions, i allow them to rise up. sometimes i just cry as i breathe. sometimes i breathe more deeply. and sometimes i visualize that big ball of emotional energy swaddled in a blanket of love and compassion - MY own love, MY compassion. giving all my love back to me releases the grip of fear, softens and shatters it with each breath.

most definitely, love > fear.