asteroids

remember the classic arcade game, asteroids? this is what it feels like when i meditate. thoughts coming at me in all directions. my breath is my weapon, my defense. here comes a thought! bam, in breath. here comes another one! bam, out breath. it was comical to me until shared that with my YTT teacher during our meditation discussion this weekend. her initial reaction was, yes that's common. then she said, it also sounds like there may be some harshness there....

<pause>

this little nugget of insight inspired me to consider my relationship to breath as a tool for meditation and in my yoga practice. how does it reflect the relationship i have with myself?

i recall early on in my yoga practice, my teacher used to refer to me as darth vader. as a beginner practitioner, my breath was deep and forceful, too loud for some (too loud for me sometimes too.) if you had asked me then about my breath, i likely would've said something like, the rocket series was intense sequencing...i was uninitiated in the role of breath during practice...i have a deviated septum, etc. while some of that may have been true, i know now the real truth lies within. looking at where i was 10-16 years ago, and drawing on my more recent understanding of my "dark side," my breath was synonymous with control.

breathing deep and forceful gave me the illusion of personal strength. whatever pose it was, i was going to do it. i'll keep up with the others in class. i'll push through. when a novice came into the room, i breathed harder and showed off my newfound pose strength. dare i say, it felt like a competition i was determined to win. (and yes, this makes me cringe... who the hell "wins" at yoga? it's completely counter to what the practice is all about.)

a few years into my practice, some of the competition-on-the-mat instincts had calmed down a bit, but i was still breathing forcefully. i recall during one class, a teacher was giving me an adjustment and whispered, you should be softening your breath. why? i was miffed. this is how i practice...my breath makes me strong, just LOOK at what i can do on the mat! what i didn't understand then was the deep connection between breath and feelings of inadequacy.

about 4 years ago, my shadow side nearly destroyed me and i had no choice but to do the work to make peace with it. i had to pull myself out of darkness so i could discover and live in my light and that's when i noticed my breath began to shift. as i began to pay more attention to my body than my mind, my breath softened and steadied instead of being fast and forceful. my practice morphed from one with hard-driving qualities to having more mindfulness, fluidity, and slower movements. i stopped beating myself up on the mat and it began to translate for me off the mat as well.

so now that my breath has a new job as a sitting meditation concentration tool, i'll be looking at that as well. how does my breath reflect this new relationship i have with myself? am i still expecting "perfection"? am i passing judgment for my thoughts? am i getting frustrated for not "doing it right" or can i give myself a break? it'll be interesting to see what i learn.