I WANT TO RUN. I WANT TO GO HOME.

These thoughts crossed my mind for the first time late last night.

As I laid in bed, I visualized being in my car, nestled in the leather bucket seat, driving on the freeway with the sunroof open. I miss my car, my fast freedom ride. I began to miss my stuff, my crystals, my clothes, my photos, all the things that brought me comfort and used to define me.

I began to want my old life back.

I imagined giving up the life I’ve been building in Mexico, and getting on a plane back to CA. But where would I go? Where would I be driving to? I no longer have a home there, just a storage unit of stuff.

This morning, I cried as I poured my heart out to my partner, sharing last night’s thoughts and an even deeper fear on my mind this week. What if I’m not as capable as I thought at being emotionally available? I’ve been noticing myself closing off these past few days to swim in the muck of what-if and worst-case scenarios. Is something wrong with me? I asked through my tears. He held the moment with loving presence and gratitude for my vulnerability.

It sounds like maybe you miss your old self, he offered while embracing me.

🌱

This is how it feels sometimes when we’ve met our growth edge. Stepping into the new is exciting. It’s brave. And it can be challenging. It’s natural to want to go back to how it was before. Unconsciously, we will seek familiarity in the nervous system, even if what is familiar isn’t healthy or good for us.

But this is the thing. The minute we are out of our comfort zone, we have already become someone new. We can grieve who we were, our old life, our old ways, but never truly go back. 🙏🏼

May this reflection be medicine for those who are also on a path of living a bigger, braver life, no matter what that looks like for you.

🪷