she was full of it, what about me?

i've been reflecting lately on grace. my earliest exposure to that word was in catholic school.  hail mary full of grace.  (FULL of it!)  graceful is used to describe ballerinas. or the way animals silently move through brush before pouncing on prey.  i've never really understood what grace means, how it's acquired or how you would know if you had it. grace, therefore, has always been outside of me, something i've attributed to other people (which i apparently lack.)  after all, i'm known for banging my hands against walls when i walk past them, walking fast and with purpose, and eating something sloppy over the sink.  none of that fits my impression of grace.

my last post was a reflection of a powerful moment on my magic mat, leading me to an understanding of the role of forgiveness on my journey.  forgiveness is what i need next... it's my new f-word.  but it's not that easy.  we can forgive someone for accidentally spilling water on your beloved handbag, but forgiving yourself for shitty side?  well that's another level.  in my mind, one who can do that in 3 seconds flat is just beyond.  i'm not there yet, it's my BHAG.  it feels so big, that i carved out a natural piece to work on, a new practice:  letting go.

so far, letting go has been about giving myself room to not have all the answers, to not stress about finishing every task, to do the best i can with limitations.  i'm putting this practice into practice at work, because - lucky me - my manager's mantra is: we're not looking for perfect, we're looking for good enough.  (yes, there's a reason i'm in this job in this place, with this person right now.)

on the mat, letting go is showing up as more moments with my eyes open, while maintaining a focused visualization as i've been doing (imagining pulling love out of inside me with every breath, and giving it back to myself in my exhales).  once i got into the practice of closing my eyes, my fear of opening them was that i would become distracted. but interestingly, i've been noticing my presence in the present increasing. it's poetic and amazing.

last night on the mat, it suddenly hit me that i was supposed to take care of something for my manager by 5pm that night.  now it was 6:30pm and i was in uttanasana, not at my computer.  i could feel myself revving up, headed down the OHMYFUCKINGOD freak out, beat myself up familiar path.  but instead of going there, i had a moment.  it was as if someone turned down the volume in my head, allowing me to pause and take control.  i went right back to the breath, focusing on pulling love out of me and giving it right back to myself.  i let giving myself love be more important than beating myself up.  i let freak out go.

it occurred to me then, this is grace.  this is what they mean by grace.  and i'm beginning to cultivate it.