it's ALL a practice
after my last post, i took a step back to look at the progression of my journey to date: i began in darkness and despair and have slowly started inching my way along the continuum towards more light and love. transformation is not easy work and at times, i feel both courageous and in-over-my-head for going down this road and doing the work to make real change happen. it's becoming obvious that this road is not straight with detours when i least expect them, which take me back into my darkness.
recently, i knew i was going to be in a situation in which all this strength and hope i'd been cultivating on my mat would be tested in reality. after all, this is the true intention of a yoga practice: to take the work on our mat into the rest of our life. though i tried not to think too much about it, to allow it to simply be, as soon as my shadow emerged in that situation, i failed at owning all the work i've been doing to ground myself. my shadow crept up on me like a cancer and before you know it, it had taken over. i went from managing OK to feeling unsafe amongst a handful of people and essentially shut down.
it was awful.
what bothers me the most is i let that situation get the best of me. i allowed it to take away my power. dark trumped light again. epic fail...or is it?
yes, i wish i handled myself differently (fail). yes, i beat myself up afterwards (fail again, where was compassion?). but the next day i focused on giving love to myself on my yoga mat and felt grounded again (success!). reflecting on this experience, i believe this is what lies at the core of creating a compassionate lifeline for myself: being able to pick myself up after falling, drawing love from within rather than seeking it externally. in short, becoming my own antidote.
it occurred to me that my destination isn't clearly defined right now and i wonder if it ever will be. i realize i won't wake up one day and arrive at compassionville while locking away the darkness for good and throwing away the key. this journey is both a practice of cultivating a sacred well of love, compassion and patience and a practice at changing my relationship with my darkness. both are possible, neither will be perfect.